Do you think we truly understand the value of struggling?
Last night I spoke to a friend about “struggling” with our mental health. Before this pandemic, we both knew we were once (and probably still are) battling a mount of internal psychological conflict, between us and… ourselves. We were both depressed and wanted to kill ourselves. Too dark too quickly? Oh right, apologies. DISCLAIMER! TRIGGER WARNING! DEMONIC THOUGHTS AHEAD!
But I think, that’s (mostly) over for us now.
It may seem wrong to put two (once) depressed individuals together. It seems like a “negative + negative” situation — you still get a negative mix. But I choose to think otherwise — rotate the “+” sign a good 45 degrees. It’s more a “negative x negative = positive” situation.
Because I think, implicitly, we “Strugglers” recognise the value of Struggle in ourselves and in one another, and we hope for ourselves to be a master at it.
There are many people who easily associate Struggle as a lack of skill or will. There are also those who see struggling as a part of someone’s personality.
“He is struggling because he doesn’t know better.”
“She is struggling because she is not strong enough, not disciplined enough and not smart enough.”
“He is struggling because he’s not trying hard enough.”
“She is struggling because that’s just the way she is. She’s a try-hard.”
Before I continue, I would like to say that I am in no-means any sort of guru to give a full-fledged analysis of this attitude. Yes, you could say I am a nobody. But please, hear me, because I am about to say what I’m about to say because I am frustrated. I listen to my friends speak about their struggles, and about how they receive this prejudice against them for “struggling” — like they aren’t capable of “dealing with Life”, and I am frustrated.
It’s frustrating because perhaps many of us see struggles as consistent problems that can’t seem to be fixed. Sometimes I am guilty of that too. We see struggles as burdensome — honestly, they make Life so damn difficult.
There seems to be this (false) categorisation of struggles: action vs thought. I’d like to add that action-based struggles seem to many to be “more valid.” I’d imagine them to be issues like:
“I’m not earning enough.”
“I can’t find a job.”
“My grades aren’t good.”
At the heart of all assumptions:
1. S/he is not trying hard enough.
2. S/he is not [insert adjective] enough.
At the other end of the spectrum is thought-based.
“I am feeling down today. I feel bad about myself.”
“I think the world is a terrible place. People are terrible. We literally set the ocean on fire.”
“I don’t think I have my shit together.”
Because it happens in the mind, many think there is no evidence, no proof, all self-talk. Therefore we have our:
1. S/he is overthinking.
2. S/he is overly dramatic.
3. That’s just life. (I’ve personally received MANY of these.)
I think all those assumptions are simplistic reductions to what struggles are.
Struggles aren’t just problems, they are also opportunities — although, well… they suck. We don’t choose to struggle: we don’t choose to be depressed; we don’t choose to be financially unstable; we don’t choose to have cancer; we don’t choose to have a difficult family.
Yet they force us to be introspective, to find resource to better ourselves, to make compromises and even difficult sacrifices. We struggle too, because we care, and that we have committed ourselves to keep trying, no matter how exhausting they can be. We grow from that.
Sometimes, we hear others say “I want to take life easy, go with the flow. Fret about nothing.” Trust me, we want to have good lives. We want to be stress-free. We want to be happy. But perhaps this mantra is not something we can afford right now, and neither is it something that makes us feel fulfilled.
Yes, we can’t choose our struggles, but we have chosen how we are responding to it. We are trying to be good at it.
While we are trying to master this art, we hope that you can also choose how you respond to it. Before you look at someone struggling and go “you’re not doing enough that’s why you’re struggling”, or “stop trying so hard and maybe you’ll struggle less”, ask about what s/he cares about, and about the whirlwind of thought and action that goes behind their every day, coping with these struggles.
The very least you can do, is to not undermine their struggles, to not reiterate the notion that they’re “burdens” to you when they attempt to convey their struggles, to not get impatient or frustrated, and to not dismiss or fault them when they reach for support.
If there’s one thing I hope for you to take away, it will be that I hope you see the value in struggling, and you see the value in the person struggling. There’s more to them both than making Life a shithead.
To my friends (and anyone who is going through anything and everything), I admire your effort and your growth. Take pride in them, and don’t stop struggling.
